Too lazy for title

I wonder if when I get older I will stop wanting to be a serious journalist one day and a stand up comedian who makes inappropriate jokes the next day. I hope not.


Sit ups and math

I was daydreaming the other day when I remembered how I did my math homework in elementary one for a little while. I would a sit up and then a problem, a sit up then a problem. I am not good at math and I have never had ripped abs, so I question my method looking back.

Don’t mind the wet spot on my ass

I got on the bus for my last day of class this semester, and after taking a seat I could tell something was wrong. The amount of moisture on my ass was accumulating at a rate I wasn’t comfortable with. I got up and saw my seat was soaked with something¬†and so were the backside of my jeans. If I got off the bus, went home, and changed pants I’d miss my final, so I was stuck with whatever was on my butt. I switched seats and gazed out the window while telling myself that after riding taking public transport this long, I’m lucky this is the first time I’ve become one of it’s casualties.
“Yep, someone’s piss is on my ass,” I thought to myself. I’d seen a lot of people on the bus that look capable of urinating themselves, after all. Then I started to think about the diseases the person who indirectly peed on me might have: a STD, hepatitis, rabies? I wondered if those things could infect me through my ass pores, or maybe crawl up my butt hole.
I got to school around 15 minutes later and went to the bathroom to figure out what the liquid was. I was relieved to figure out it was just alcohol. Instead of my ass being covered in pee, it just smelt like the breath of someone who lives outside.
I went to class, and did my best to hide my butt smell. The smell was too strong, though. The people sitting next to me had to notice. I can only imagine they were like “Wow, did Chris get an enema of Colt 45 before class?”
Needless to say, I was stoked that I managed to hide from my classmates all semester that my ass is an alcoholic.

Freaky Friday fucked me up

I used to get nervous that I would switch places with someone and then have their responsibilities. A surgeon, for example. In my delusion, I get woken up by a beeper at 3 in the morning by my pager, if doctors still use those, and I have to perform emergency heart surgery on the president.
Writing this out makes me realize how that I haven’t been worrying about this enough.

2 things I’ve said to myself too much after taking biology

1) Whenever I saw glucose written, I would read it out loud as Glen Gluclose.

2) “I just got done contributing to the disorder of the universe… Opps, I mean I just worked out.” Or a variation on the same thing: “Your mama is so unproductive the only thing she contributes to the universe is entropy.”

Science is hilarious.

3 Things I’ve done that make me a shitty person (or look like one)

1) The other day someone had a crumb on their cheek and I talked to them for a minute and a half without telling them. I was relieved when the crumb finally fell off, because if someone else walked up to her and told she had a crumb, she would know I saw it the whole time.
2) I was at a holiday party for the newspaper at the community college I’m going to, sitting there eating macaroni and cheese Justin brought. I didn’t know him well, but he seemed like an exceptionally nice person. The macaroni and cheese didn’t have enough cheese on it though. It had a good amount of shredded cheddar, but that stuff doesn’t go as far as a liquid cheese.
“How’s that mac and cheese?”¬† DeJuan asked, somebody else who worked for the paper who was sitting behind me.
“Um, it’s okay,” I responded.
In this moment, I realized Justin was sitting at the same table as me. I instantly felt warm from embarrassment.
“Ah, okay, I ain’t gonna get none then,” DeJuan said.
“Well, no I mean… It’s good, you should get some.”
“Nah, nah, nah. You was honest, and I appreciate that. I definitely ain’t gonna get none.”
I nodded and said okay. Maybe I laughed awkwardly. I don’t know if DeJuan knew Justin brought the mac and cheese, but if he did, he is a huge prick.
Later on, somebody asked Justin where he got the recipe. He said it was his grandma’s. I was shitting on the man’s grandma.
I understand that in this situation, I’m less a terrible person, more a unaware one. None the less, I look like an asshole.
3) I ate some of my mom’s salsa yesterday and didn’t ask her if it was cool. I am going to do that again today.

Interesting Title (Stuff on Masculinity)

I’m really lucky to grow up in a time when challenging traditional notions of masculinity is okay. I probably am only progressive about macho stuff, because I am shitty at being a man. Case in point, I got off the bus a while ago at the same time as this pretty Mexican girl who was carrying a bunch of grocery bags and her little kid. I asked her if she’d like me to carry one of the bags for her and she said yeah. I grabbed one of the bags and said “O wow this is heavy.” I immediately stopped and said, “I mean it’s not too heavy or anything.” I seriously was being a character in a shitty comedy. Turns out she didn’t really know English and had no idea what I said.
On a slightly related note, I really hate when people want to challenge traditional notions of masculinity, unless it’s something that benefits them. I am guilty of this too, but I’d like to think in less glaring ways. For example, I saw a girl post a Facebook status one day about how pitiful it was that a woman payed for a man at the restaurant that she waitressed at. Later on she posts a status about how she wants a man who would let her put makeup on him. She proceeded to have a fight with a couple of guys who insisted that they would never let anyone put makeup on them; she argued that they were being inflexible.
Anyway, whenever I feel unaccepted by society for my viewpoints I just Google “why progressives are smarter,” and feel better about myself.